Not editing all my mistakes in this so please don't judge me on my poor grammer atm, i'm very annoyed/upset and typing correctly is the leats of my worries ^_^
Feeling really fucking shit. Like, horrid.
And, okay, so i expect it's just the whole birthday thing. Because, if you know me, you'll know how terrible my birthdays always are.
It's like... I don't know, I'm all teary atm because of well, i'll go into that, so i don't want to rant on but... i guess... everyone has that one day where people celebrate them and only them. It's different from Xmas and Easter etc etc because this day is just for you.
But. There's three of us. So I don't have a special day, I have a third of a special day.
And I'm sick of it. So fucking fucking sick of it. And I'm aware that sound spoilt but I have to live like this everyday and yes, most people have siblings but they have birthdays to themselves.
And I'm not going to go into why I'm upset because it's just a fucking sibling thing but.. it's always a fucking sibling thing, and i'm so so tired of it.
And I don't want to sound all Emo and hormonal but... whenever i meet people they often say "you're the first triplet i've met" so... so there isn't that many people who know what it feels like.
I'm the middle child... and the only girl ... and the shortest and the lightest and... the runt-that-technically-isn't and ... oh i don't know what to say that won't make me sound like i'm just ranting or over-reacting.
--- Non Myspace bit ---
Okay, I'm gonna rant now and get things off my chest.
I don't usually get depressed, and I've got a past that I thought i'd gotten rid of and put don't to hormones and changes etc.
But... Oh i don't know, I got that way again the other week, well, not quite id din't do anything but i nearly did and I nearly walked out and... i know that sound terrible and you'll probably thinking that i'm typing this for you to tell me it's okay, everything is alright, we all get like that, but i don't! I don't need people to tell me things, what i've done before, ... i didn't tell people before, i hid whatever happened it wasn't an attention thing.
And this... this is a release and not an attention thing.
I'm sure this isn't making much sense but i don't want to go into details because... well.. i'm not ashamed of what i'd done.. but it's not anyone's business to be honest.
I think... I don't want to say out loud because it'll sound stupid.. but that thing... like what Stephen Fry's got.. where when you feel good you feel so so very very happy... but when you do feel down... it's very very down, dangerously down. Okay... so perhaps not to an extreme but... a milder condition or soemthing?
Perhaps I'm just being stupid.
Want to also share something that happened the other day though.
I found a lump.
I woke up with .. (i'm not gonna mention what part of the body, makes me sound a little perverted actually lol. sort of thigh/stomach area ish. Not *ahem* private area but y'know... leg-ish area around there... yeah) the feeling of a bruise.. you know, achey and bruise-like... but.. there wasn't a bruise. So i felt for a pressure point of where the pain was, to see if there was a bruise or anything, because you know what that felt like, and well... the skin was taut and there was a lump beneath the skin.
I know that sound really drastic, but there was a lump, a small one, but it could be... well... i don't know... i don't remember hitting where the lump was so I couldn't understand why it felt like a bruise when I hadn't done anything to cause one.
But yeah, i kept checking throughout the day, and the lump was still there. And it got really scared. Because.. well... it's a lump.
But... I figured, I'll wait a few days, keep an eye on whether it was still hurting/still a lump/any mark showing etc and if there was/wasn't then i'd mention it.
And, it's not there anymore, I checked each day to make sure, because I was worried. And the lump itsn't there, and there still isn't any marking or bruise, but it doesn't hurt anymore either.
I started work at the weekend though and both days i felt so bad.
I was heaving Sunday, just woke up and wanted to be sick but I drunk soemthing and took a paracetamol because there was no way I was missing work but I went to the bathroom to wash and clean my teeth etc and I .. well i don't know what you call it actually. Sorry for details here but when I'm sick i sort of.. cough it up (charming, i'm sure) and I did that.. but nothing came up, it was odd because I had drunk thing less than an hour/half an hour before. Hmmm.
Sorry, very very long post and i'll shut up soon.
Jaz wants to go to the beach to celebrate my birthday. But she's text everyone and said there was a possible thing and she's sort of convinced me into doing it, because I wasn't going to have a party or anything like that because.. well i just don't. But, I'm working really early on Saturday (we were gonna go out Friday night) so i can have Sunday off for the electric gardens.
I'm on a 10 hour contract so I'm putting in the ten hours on Sat. (8.15am-6.15pm, i think) because i obviously can't work Sunday.
But... well... I mentioned this to Jaz because I don't want a hang over because I'm working all day on the shop floor under flurecent lights and in a bulding with no air con with the added extra of building work going on outside and i'm obviosuly new to the electric/touch-screen till and I need my concentration to actually work it and serve which I can't do if I feel shit.
But.. she posted me this on myspace:
"love purlease! I'm doing the same hours on friday and I've gotta be back at work by 8 on saturday! and you said you don't get hangovers!!!! we dont have to, I just thought you would want to seeing as its your bday, see you soon x"
1.) makes my job sound less hard than hers
2.) that i'm getting off easy becayse I have less hours and aren't working Friday
3.) I'm gonna be spoiling it if I don't want to go out
4.) Makes me sound boring because I don't want to go out for my brithday.
I really really can't deal with this right now. I don't know what to do, I'm stressed, I just want to enjoy my birthday and the festival and working without people fucking pressuring me because I have so much pressure form elsewhere and I can't fucking deal with it! And I've typed almost logically up until now but I'm wound up again and Argh! Fuck it, I'm going I'm not venting anymore it's not good for me or anyone else lol.